There is one thing that I am now an "expert" on. That one thing is grief. In all honesty I really know very little about it in general. My own grief is a whole other story. Yes, I'm an expert with that, but so many people grieve in so many ways, and I'm not about to say that one way is better than another. I only know mine. I have been asked to help with words of comfort for friends who know others that have had to deal with similar heartache. While I can't ever predict how these loved ones will handle their own pain, I am happy to try to help. I don't know if it ever has, or ever will. But I do hope that somehow, my own pain will be able to ease the pain for someone else. It would make Brittany's death a little less cruel. It would have a little bit of reason to it. I had a friend ask me again today how they can help with a sister's pain. This was my response:
"People say it gets better.People
lie. Everyday gets worse. And everyday it's for different reasons.
One day it will be because I miss her so much I can't breathe,
another day it will because I see so much of what she is missing, and
wishing so much I could be a part of what is now her life. Then
another day it will be because it gets harder all the time to
remember how she looks, and what her voice sounded like. Everyone
handles this "situation" differently, and has different
needs. Some might need to be left alone, others might need someone to
stay strong and not cry so that they can cry freely and lean on them
for strength. For me, I need people to not be afraid to talk about
Brittany, and not be afraid when I cry. I need people to remember HER
and all the little things about her. That leads me to what helps me.
I need to feel connected to her. I have reminders of her everywhere I
turn. I have an Eiffel tower hanging from my rear view mirror, and
several in my classroom. I have owl jewelry and figurines. My
classroom is decorated in teal, with quotes on the wall that I used
with her. I have a necklace at her grave that has a heart pendant
that has the words "with you" on it. I have an identical
one that I wear. Willow tree's have become very sentimental to me
with more meaning that I could have ever thought.
Don't
fade away. You would think the very beginning would be the hardest
part, but it's not. A few months down the road, she will start to try
to figure out her new "normal". She'll look like she's
doing good on some days, and will tell you she's "good" but
she won't be. She'll be wanting to die herself. Keep talking to her
even when she seems good. If she doesn't want to talk, don't make
her, but let her always know you are there. If she facebooks much,
and you happen to be up in the middle of the night and she's on, make
sure she's ok. The lonely hours of the night when everyone else is
sleeping and happy, and you can't sleep because you've been crying
for hours, are often very dangerous times. In a very gentle way,
remind her that as much as she would gladly die for any of her kids,
she now has to LIVE for the rest of them. They deserve, more than
almost any other child, to have a good and happy childhood with lots
of happy memories. And lots of memories with her in them. she can't
give up on herself, because she would never give up on her kids. I
also find so much peace in music. I have lots of songs that I relate
to if you want a list, let me know. There really is no way to take
away her pain. Her son is gone, and can't come back. The core of her
pain can't be eased because life can't be reversed. I hope that some
of the suggestions and my own experiences can help some for you and
your sister. One of the very best things I have gained strength from,
are the friends I have made in people that have gone through similar
heartbreaks. Several of them I have never met. They reached out to me,
and we connected through our grief. If that is something that she
feels would be helpful, i am MORE than happy to talk or text her
anytime!!! Texting was always easier for me, because it was a little
more disconnected. Having to form words, and speak them, sometimes
was too hard to bare.
Again,
this is just my perspective on how these last 10 months have felt. I
am not trained on human emotions at all, except through what I have
learned through my own life. What works, or feels right to me, might
be completely wrong for someone else.
