It's been just a little over 8 months since Brittany has passed away. When she died, it was in the dead of winter. The bitter cold and short dark days were reflective of how my spirit felt without her. As the days grew longer, and warmer, and the flowers began to bloom, there were more and more days... well, moments... of happier times. This continued through the summer. But this last week I have been able to feel the shift again. If you pay close attention, there is a change in the breeze. It's a little more crisp. The flowers I had at the cemetery have begun to die, their summer season being out lived. I have now replaced most of them with silk flowers. At the store, rather than finding bold, bright, vibrant colored flowers, there are more neutral colors preparing for the fall. This change in the weather is making me sad... It's just a reminder of how much time has passed. Before long, I will be writing on her one year anniversary of not being here with us. Oh, how I don't look forward to that day!
Today is the first day of school for Gateway, the school she was attending last year. I remember her first day of school so well. She wasn't happy to go at all, but there was still that excitement of everything being new. New shoes, new clothes, new pencils she couldn't wait to use, a new backpack, and the potential of everything being different that the year before had been. I was so excited and worried for her that day. It felt like dropping her off for her first day of kindergarten. She never knew I cried after watching her walk out the door to catch her car pool. And here I am crying again wishing I had that day back.
This last month we went to the Lacy family reunion. I knew it would be a difficult one for me, family gatherings always are. Every year we always do some kind of t-shirt. This year we had some made up that had Brittany's Peace Poster on the front, and the lettering for the back was specifically chosen as a the type of writing Brittany used to like to use.
It was a great trip, John and I had done some extra things with our kids before the reunion officially started. On our drive over to Blanding, we drove through Bryce Canyon, and then hiked Calf Creek falls.
One thing we have learned having Brittany pass, is that we need to take more pictures of all our family. There is a quote I saw recently that says "When someone you love becomes a memory, each memory becomes a treasure". That couldn't be more true. It hurts to know of so many times I could have/should have taken pictures of her that I didn't. I search and search, and I am so sad at how few pictures I have of her. So, now we take more. But every time I do, I am reminded that I will never be able to take one of her again.
As I was taking pictures throughout the days at the reunion, I started noticing something. There were hearts everywhere in so many things I saw. I have never been much of a "heart" person. I haven't liked heart jewelry, I don't use hearts in my decor. But Brittany did. A lot. The more I saw the hearts, the more I knew it was her way of trying to tell me she was with us. Looking back, it's almost like it started when I was searching for a signature to use under her peace poster. I wanted a perfect one, and I love that the one I found also had a heart with it.
