She sat with me

     Yesterday I did what I once thought would be impossible for me to do. Yesterday I went to the temple for my daughter. We had been planning on this day for a couple of weeks now. John had the day off, and we thought it would a be a good day to do it while the kids were in school, and we could take our time and not feel rushed at all. Funny how things can fall apart so quickly. The plan was for us to leave as soon as I was done with my therapy session this morning. As I was getting the kids ready to go to school, John decided to check the temple schedule to make sure the temple would be open long enough for us to do all the "extra" things that would be needed to be done to have her name ready to take through. We were under the impression that the temple would be open until about 5:00. Oh, how wrong we were. The last session starts at 11:20, we had to really hurry if we were going to get it done. I cancelled my therapy appointment, and as fast as we could we got ready to go.

     It used to be that those who die before their work is done, must wait a year. But through friend of mine, I was able to find out that we didn't need to wait at all. In the church handbook it says that as long as the person was worthy and born in the covenant, all you needed was a letter from the bishop stating that they were worthy at the time of death, and you can take their name through at any time. So, here we were, ready to take her name and do her work.

     I have been apprehensive for quite some time over this. I knew I wanted to do this for my girl, but I also knew it would be so emotional for me. Just thinking about the words, "...who is dead" that would be said so many times, was enough to bring tears to my eyes and a loss of breath in my chest. But I also knew this was something I wanted for her. I want her to have every opportunity possible, whether it was while she was alive, or now, opportunities in her death.

     So here at the temple I was preparing  to carry a simple piece of paper. A small piece of paper that signifies so much. On this little paper holds so much of her life. Her birth, her baptism, her parents, her death. So much compressed into a simple white piece of paper. Even just her name signifies so much. I can't look at her name without remembering how John and I had thought of her name before we had even started dating seriously. One of the very hardest parts is seeing her name in print in any form. I always have a hard time with that. Her sweet name in an obituary. Her name on a grave marker. And one of the worst ones is her name next to the words "died". I hate that part. It feels like a kick in the gut every time.

     For those not familiar with the temple ceremonies, most of this won't make sense  I'm not going to go into detail about what is done there. That's not the purpose of this entry. I want to focus more on the feelings and emotions I had. There is one portion called the "washing and anointing". It is full of blessings and promises. Even before I was going through for Brittany, I always loved this part of temple work. During this time the most that are ever involved is yourself and one or two temple workers. Its a very intimate time. I cried as I sat there hearing the blessings of health and happiness bestowed for my sweet girl. I cried with sadness remembering so many things she will never have in this life. She will no longer be able walk through the flowers like she loved to do. No longer be able to run through mountain trees. She will never find a love here, never have her first kiss. Never go prom dress shopping. Never plan a wedding, never hold her own baby in her arms. But I do know, someday she will. I do know that she is so very happy where she is. I have never doubted that. I am so excited for her, and I cried for the new life she now has. She is free from the agony she fought within her head every day. She is free from feeling less that what she truly was. She is free from temptation, and all the petty things this age of life throws at a young girl. She is able to see the world now in a way I can never imagine. She can soar with the birds, play with the butterflies. See all the amazing flowers so beautiful. She can play with the children there and sing all day long. I know to my core she is happy right now. I have always known it. Its one of the few things I have never doubted. Wondering if she's ok isn't what makes me cry. What makes me cry, is that I can't see her so happy. I can't be with her as she smiles and laughs. I can't put my arm around her shoulder as she watches a sunset. I just miss her being here with us.

     After the anointing, it was now time to do the endowment part. This is a lengthier portion. There is a lot that involves the creation of the earth. During this time, I would reflect and wonder, how many places has Brittany been to? Has she been able to see the beaches? Has she seen jungles? What about other worlds? Can she, does she see all those things she has always dreamed of seeing? For the most part, during this, I was fine. Very composed, and able to stay focused. Even during the parts that I thought would be hard, weren't as bad as I had thought they'd be. There were times I could feel Brittany so close to me. I was wonderful to feel her again, knowing she was happy for what was being held for her. The veil was the hardest. Again, I know it won't make sense to those who have not been through the temple before, but this is the culmination of all that had been taught in the temple. It is where we make promises to the Lord and we are told of blessing He has in store for us. I was so overcome with emotion, I could barely speak. The temple workers that were near me were also touched to the point of tears also. (who doesn't get somewhat emotional when a lady is crying like that?) Meeting up with John was so great. He is the only one who shares all that I am feeling, wanting, and remembering. He has shared Brittany in the same way I have, and now he feels her loss as I do. Not to say we deal with this trial the same, but we have lost the same precious child. That is a place no one else can hold. To have him hold me was just what I needed. Our conversation after wasn't really a sad one. It was of hope and love for Brittany. 

     I had been expecting the rest of the day to be difficult for me. I was expecting to come home and go to my bed and stay there for the remainder of the day. I was sure I would be so drained and sad that I wouldn't be able to function on any kind of level. I was very pleased with how well the rest of the day went. I came home, made dinner. Danced with my girls in the kitchen as the music blared from the stereo. I played games with them, spent some time with Jordan, and was able to connect with each of them. For family night we talked with the kids about what we had done that day. We walked through the events of the temple. I shared with them some very tender moments I had. It turned out to be a very peaceful night for us. A day that I had feared would be so difficult, had actually turned out to be a very blessed day. I could feel Brittany with us throughout the day. I believe very much that she didn't want us sad on that day. I think she encouraged us to be happy together, because she is happy. She wants us happy. I'm not going to say there will never be sad days, but I am so very grateful for a happy day that I wasn't expecting. It will forever be a day I will look back on with fondness and a smile. 

Bite me!

     Those who know me very well, know how much I used to love to work out. It was almost a daily routine. There was almost nothing more gratifying than coming home from the gym, drenched in sweat. It would feel so good to get a workout done that would send most people either to tears or into a state of throwing up. I was tough, and I was strong. I may not have looked like it, but there were few people who could out do me with most things. I was something I had taken pride in, and felt great doing. I was quite fortunate in the way I was able to go about paying for my gym membership. At the gym I went to, I got a trade off, I would work once a week in their daycare, and in return I would get a membership for both John and I. It was great, and I used that membership to it's full extent. And then I decided to do the Tough Mudder. It was an one of the most intense races I had ever seen. It was 12 miles with 24 insane obstacles designed by the British Military to make you bleed and some to even make you cry. It looked crazy, and it looked perfect for me. Just so you can see fully what it's like, here is a link to their website that you can see video of what a race is like: www.toughmudder.com. I knew in order to be able to complete this race I was going to have to really up my game. So I joined another gym on top of the one I was already using. I had always been curious about CrossFit, and all that it entailed. I had found a discount to join Octane Fitness, a CrossFit gym here in town, and thought it would be a perfect way to incorporate what I need to do to be ready. I was hooked on my first day there, if you live nearby and are looking for a place to go, go here! They are so amazing! It was crazy intense, it was crazy fun, and it kicked my trash! I LOVED every second of it! I went as often as I could, and loved working with everyone that was a part of that gym. I am so proud to say I AM a Tough Mudder!!! That day was fridgedly cold, with times of snow flurries and wind, and I was getting over being sick. But, I have never had so much fun as I did during that race! My sickness got worse, and I had to miss a couple of weeks at both gyms. Then I started working double shifts at work for a few weeks, so I wasn't able to go to my regular session. I could have gone after work, but I try to avoid working out while the kids are home. Just when I thought I might be able to make it back to working out, Brittany died. 

    In that moment everything I ever cared about, that wasn't a part of my family, no longer had any appeal to me. I no longer read, it took too much concentration. I no longer listened to music, it didn't have any meaning anymore, or else it would just make me cry remembering Brittany as she and I would sing at the top of our lungs in the car. It was too cold to run, and it took too much effort to get out of bed to work out. I ended up quiting both gyms. I couldn't work at the daycare anymore because the just the thought of it was exhausting. And there were people there, people became what I feared the most. I couldn't do CrossFit anymore, because I had no fight left in me to work. Getting out of bed, brushing my teeth and keeping my kids fed was taking more that I had as it was. 

    Slowly things got a little easier. I can get out of bed now on most days. I can go to work and come home not feeling like I was going to crumble to the ground. I can carry on conversations with people most of the time,though I think most of the time I just sound like a babbling fool. I could tell it was time for me to start working out again. The weight is piling up, and my strength is nothing like it used to be. I have gone running a few times and am upset at how out of shape I am. The weather is warming up, and we as a family are getting used to a "new" routine.... It's time....

     Early on after Brittany died, I was contacted by the owners of Octane. They had heard about what had happened, and wanted to help in the only way they knew how. They offered John and I a 6 month membership to their gym free of charge. I don't think they will ever know how much this has meant to me. At that time, I knew it would take several weeks before I would be strong enough to get back in the game. Having this gift open to us to used for whenever we were ready, was amazing to me. Working out had always been a great source of therapy, and stress relief for me. I just was unsure when I would be able to "get back" to where I used to be.

     Today was that day. I went back for the first time. I was excited, and apprehensive all at once. Could I do this? Do I really even WANT to do this? I felt like the "new" kid at school. At first it was great. I was upset at myself for letting myself slide so much physically. I was mad, just mad. Mad that I was getting fat again, mad that I had to use such a small amount of weights, mad that I had lost all my endurance, mad that it took me so long to come back, mad that I had turned into someone I never wanted to be.  But I was out, and I was doing it, so in my mind I had already accomplished my goal for the day. The first round went great, halfway into the second round I started really feeling my age, and my loss of aggression, and my anger increased. I took a minute to catch my breath, and my mind started to run without me. I dawned on me that it has been 4 months this coming weekend since I lost my daughter. 4 months! 4 months of holidays she missed. 4 months of school she didn't attend. 4 months of every night, not being able to be told good-night. In that 4 months I have learned a few things. I have learned that death is a thief! Not only a thief of the life of my Brittany, but a thief of my life as well. It has taken from me so very many things I have loved. It took running from me, one of my greatest passions. It took taste from me, I am a girls who loves to enjoy her food, and that was no longer there. It has taken away my smile and ability to laugh freely, it has taken my ability fully enjoy almost anything. I am now having to learn how to live again, because death has taken away the life I used to know. Granted, death is also a giver. It gave me darkness, sadness, weakness, and emptiness. It gave me insecurities, vulnerabilities, fear, and many longs sleepless nights of crying rage.  It gave me several pounds I'm fighting to get rid of, it gave me stress, and anxiety. It gave me lack of confidence, and it gave my kids a mom they don't know. All these thoughts were running through my mind as I was resting to catch my breath. I was fighting wanting to yell and scream to everyone there, I was fighting the urge to cry and never stop. But mostly I was fighting a war in my head. A war between letting this stupid thing called death win over me, or letting the little bit of fight left in me slowly grow and conquer. 

     I have one thing to say to death right now.... Bite Me!!! You may have taken so many things from me, but you won't take ME. Not yet anyway. I WILL learn to live again. I WILL learn to love the things I once loved. You may have taken my daughter, but I'll FIGHT you to the core before I let you take my will. For Brittany, I will FIGHT. For Brittany, I will LOVE. For BRITTANY, I will smile and someday be happy. So take that DEATH!!! I won't let you keep me down. I may still stumble, I may still fall, in fact I KNOW I will. But it WON'T be the end of the story that way. I will make headway somehow, someday. I will find me again in this muck that death has left me with. And I will clean her off, and help her shine.