She sat with me

     Yesterday I did what I once thought would be impossible for me to do. Yesterday I went to the temple for my daughter. We had been planning on this day for a couple of weeks now. John had the day off, and we thought it would a be a good day to do it while the kids were in school, and we could take our time and not feel rushed at all. Funny how things can fall apart so quickly. The plan was for us to leave as soon as I was done with my therapy session this morning. As I was getting the kids ready to go to school, John decided to check the temple schedule to make sure the temple would be open long enough for us to do all the "extra" things that would be needed to be done to have her name ready to take through. We were under the impression that the temple would be open until about 5:00. Oh, how wrong we were. The last session starts at 11:20, we had to really hurry if we were going to get it done. I cancelled my therapy appointment, and as fast as we could we got ready to go.

     It used to be that those who die before their work is done, must wait a year. But through friend of mine, I was able to find out that we didn't need to wait at all. In the church handbook it says that as long as the person was worthy and born in the covenant, all you needed was a letter from the bishop stating that they were worthy at the time of death, and you can take their name through at any time. So, here we were, ready to take her name and do her work.

     I have been apprehensive for quite some time over this. I knew I wanted to do this for my girl, but I also knew it would be so emotional for me. Just thinking about the words, "...who is dead" that would be said so many times, was enough to bring tears to my eyes and a loss of breath in my chest. But I also knew this was something I wanted for her. I want her to have every opportunity possible, whether it was while she was alive, or now, opportunities in her death.

     So here at the temple I was preparing  to carry a simple piece of paper. A small piece of paper that signifies so much. On this little paper holds so much of her life. Her birth, her baptism, her parents, her death. So much compressed into a simple white piece of paper. Even just her name signifies so much. I can't look at her name without remembering how John and I had thought of her name before we had even started dating seriously. One of the very hardest parts is seeing her name in print in any form. I always have a hard time with that. Her sweet name in an obituary. Her name on a grave marker. And one of the worst ones is her name next to the words "died". I hate that part. It feels like a kick in the gut every time.

     For those not familiar with the temple ceremonies, most of this won't make sense  I'm not going to go into detail about what is done there. That's not the purpose of this entry. I want to focus more on the feelings and emotions I had. There is one portion called the "washing and anointing". It is full of blessings and promises. Even before I was going through for Brittany, I always loved this part of temple work. During this time the most that are ever involved is yourself and one or two temple workers. Its a very intimate time. I cried as I sat there hearing the blessings of health and happiness bestowed for my sweet girl. I cried with sadness remembering so many things she will never have in this life. She will no longer be able walk through the flowers like she loved to do. No longer be able to run through mountain trees. She will never find a love here, never have her first kiss. Never go prom dress shopping. Never plan a wedding, never hold her own baby in her arms. But I do know, someday she will. I do know that she is so very happy where she is. I have never doubted that. I am so excited for her, and I cried for the new life she now has. She is free from the agony she fought within her head every day. She is free from feeling less that what she truly was. She is free from temptation, and all the petty things this age of life throws at a young girl. She is able to see the world now in a way I can never imagine. She can soar with the birds, play with the butterflies. See all the amazing flowers so beautiful. She can play with the children there and sing all day long. I know to my core she is happy right now. I have always known it. Its one of the few things I have never doubted. Wondering if she's ok isn't what makes me cry. What makes me cry, is that I can't see her so happy. I can't be with her as she smiles and laughs. I can't put my arm around her shoulder as she watches a sunset. I just miss her being here with us.

     After the anointing, it was now time to do the endowment part. This is a lengthier portion. There is a lot that involves the creation of the earth. During this time, I would reflect and wonder, how many places has Brittany been to? Has she been able to see the beaches? Has she seen jungles? What about other worlds? Can she, does she see all those things she has always dreamed of seeing? For the most part, during this, I was fine. Very composed, and able to stay focused. Even during the parts that I thought would be hard, weren't as bad as I had thought they'd be. There were times I could feel Brittany so close to me. I was wonderful to feel her again, knowing she was happy for what was being held for her. The veil was the hardest. Again, I know it won't make sense to those who have not been through the temple before, but this is the culmination of all that had been taught in the temple. It is where we make promises to the Lord and we are told of blessing He has in store for us. I was so overcome with emotion, I could barely speak. The temple workers that were near me were also touched to the point of tears also. (who doesn't get somewhat emotional when a lady is crying like that?) Meeting up with John was so great. He is the only one who shares all that I am feeling, wanting, and remembering. He has shared Brittany in the same way I have, and now he feels her loss as I do. Not to say we deal with this trial the same, but we have lost the same precious child. That is a place no one else can hold. To have him hold me was just what I needed. Our conversation after wasn't really a sad one. It was of hope and love for Brittany. 

     I had been expecting the rest of the day to be difficult for me. I was expecting to come home and go to my bed and stay there for the remainder of the day. I was sure I would be so drained and sad that I wouldn't be able to function on any kind of level. I was very pleased with how well the rest of the day went. I came home, made dinner. Danced with my girls in the kitchen as the music blared from the stereo. I played games with them, spent some time with Jordan, and was able to connect with each of them. For family night we talked with the kids about what we had done that day. We walked through the events of the temple. I shared with them some very tender moments I had. It turned out to be a very peaceful night for us. A day that I had feared would be so difficult, had actually turned out to be a very blessed day. I could feel Brittany with us throughout the day. I believe very much that she didn't want us sad on that day. I think she encouraged us to be happy together, because she is happy. She wants us happy. I'm not going to say there will never be sad days, but I am so very grateful for a happy day that I wasn't expecting. It will forever be a day I will look back on with fondness and a smile.