Tomorrow marks the first day of school. I have already seen so many pictures of kids her age going to Freshman orientation, and schedules they have of the upcoming year. I can't help but think... "Brittany should be there!" She should be finding schedules, hoping friends are in the same classes, trying out for different teams and signing up for clubs. She should be wearing new school shoes, and laying out her favorite outfit for the first day. She should be getting her back-to-school haircut, and wondering what color to paint her nails. Every milestone is a hard one, but this one stings a bit more. It's so hard to see her friends grow up and not have her join them in the ranks. I'm not trying to say I'm not so happy for her friends, because in a way I can watch her grow up through them. But on the other hand, seeing what could have been, what should have been, and yet what will never be, is so difficult for me to deal with.
Brittany's little sister, Kaitlyn will be starting 8th grade tomorrow. I don't know if I'm ready to watch her little sister outgrow her. As she finishes this year, she will have officially surpassed Brittany in education, she will have passed her up on many levels, and that is so hard to think about. All the firsts that I always had planned on being Brittany's will now be Kaitlyn's. I am so happy for Kaitlyn, and all that she has and will be able to do. But she will never replace Brittany, and I don't want her to. I want Kaitlyn to have her own memories, her own identity and her own life experiences. It just doesn't fit the "plan" that we naturally set up as our children were born.
I can't really think of what to say, just that my thoughts and prayers are with you. Hopefully this coming week isn't too rough on you.
ReplyDeleteOf course Kaitlyn will never replace Brittany, but seeing what SHE is doing that Brit never did is hard. And I watch many little girls and think about Hannah-and wonder what she would like to do? She would be starting kindergarten this year! So I can get a sense of what you are feeling. It is something I think that will always be with us because we love and miss our child so much! It's not that we are not happy for all the other people who are living their life... They are doing what they are suppose to do! We just have a reminder in our hearts that simply tells us what we had hoped and planned for as we see others doing those things simply didn't turn out as expected.
ReplyDeleteI hadn't seen this post yet, it made me cry. It's those small details that you would never think about, that really get to me. It's so sad seeing her kindergarten picture, missing taking her school picture every year.
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