Broken Bones, Broken hearts, and smiles all around

     Last Wed, John and I were sitting on the bleachers, watching Kaitlyn's softball game. The other team was one we had played before, but I wasn't able to go to that game. The coach was the mortuary director that had been in charge when John and I had taken Brittany to his funeral home. This was the first time I had seen him since that time, and it was hard not to stare. It was also hard not to look at him and remember everything that I associate with him.
     The sun was setting and the chill was starting to set in. The game was beginning to wind down, and John and I were talking about what to have for dinner. With only a few plays left in the game we knew we'd be going home soon to hungry kids. Just then, as Kaitlyn was playing the position of catcher, a girl from the other team slid into home. As she slid, she caught Kaitlyn's ankle, and Kaitlyn went down fast, and the teams took a knee. I went out to the field quickly. Right away I could tell things weren't good. Kaitlyn has always been a fighter. Never shows any sign of pain or sign of weakness, especially not in front of others, and really never in front of her team. But here she was, laying in the dirt as her coaches were trying to console her and determine the extent of her injuries. The look of fear and pain in her eyes were all I needed to know that this night was going to be a long one. We assessed things a bit more in the dugout before we hauled her out in a wagon. John stayed with us as I drove her to the E.R., I've never seen her in so much pain. She was pale, and shock was starting to set in as she shivered. A few x-rays were done, but it doesn't take an expert to see that it was broken, and broken bad. Both the femur and the tibia had been broken. And even better was that it had been done in the growth plate.

     You may be wondering what any of this has to do with Brittany. This blog is called Memories of Brittany after all. Well, I'll tell you how. As I'm taking Kaitlyn to the E.R., in my head I'm knowing I'm going to have to go in the hospital again. I'm going to have to check her in at the same stations I checked Brittany into. As I'm going in ahead to get a wheelchair for Kaitlyn, I pass the bench where I had to sit for a minute to readjust Brittany, as I carried her into the hospital because she was too weak to walk. I get a funny looking wheelchair that I have only seen when I wheeled Brittany to the lobby waiting for them to admit us. Right away, one of the attendants who were helping with Kaitlyn, mentioned that we looked familiar. Turns out he had helped when Brittany was there when her toe had been cut off. Soon another attendant walked in. Another one that had been there with the toe, but also he had been there the night she died. Being in the hospital and hearing the buzz of employees, smelling the distinct smell of hospital, and seeing my daughter in a hospital bed, brought back so many feelings from that time. At this time, Kaitlyn had asked to have a blessing, so I was walking the halls looking for someone we could ask to assist us with it. As I did, I glanced into a room where CPR was being performed on a man. I could almost feel this man fighting for his life. I turned away as quickly as I could, it was something I couldn't see at that time. I continued on down the hall where I saw the ambulance crew that had brought the man in. I made eye contact with the driver and he gave me a small smile and wave. This was the same driver that took Brittany and I to the airport to board lifeflight. I couldn't believe this was happening. The very familiar feeling of losing control hit me hard. Breathing became hard and I could feel my body start to tremble. But I couldn't lose it! I had a daughter laying on a bed in great pain! I was still a mom. A mom to Kaitlyn, and she needed me to be held together. She needed me to be strong, so she could be strong. I took a lot of deep breaths, and forced myself to be ok.
     That night a few of her teammates and their moms came to make sure she was ok, and to let her know how concerned they were for her, and that she was loved. It was a perfect break to the stress we were feeling at that time. It was so good to hear Kaitlyn laugh, and she seemed to relax so much more after they had come.
     It was determined that surgery was going to be needed and that would be done the next morning. So we went home with her let splinted, and drugs in hand hoping for as much rest as possible, that we knew would never come.
     The next day we were scheduled for surgery at 11:00. Kaitlyn was worried, so worried. She won't ever admit to it, but I'm sure she was thinking of Brittany a lot at that time. How her final moments were spent in a hospital, and could these possibly be her final moments also?  I couldn't help but wonder the same thing. Again, I pushed those feelings and fears as far down as I possibly could, so that I could be strong for Kaitlyn.    

The surgery was quick, and she is on the mend. She had a few days of recovery, complete with a little rest, a color run, church, school, and showing up to support her team in another game. This girl jumped back into life without missing a beat. It has been painful for her, but her attitude has been great.
     Yesterday Brittany's headstone was put in place. Kaitlyn was with me when we drove past and we saw it for the very first time. It was just the two of us. We both sat there for awhile, not saying a word, just deep in thought. Later that night, we both came back with the rest of the family. There has been a somber feeling in the home since then.
    I don't know about Kaitlyn, but for me, that sight, on top of what we had just been through, has taken it's toll on me. I feel depleted of all energy. It's the end of the school year, and our classes are having fun everyday. I want to be a part of that fun for the students I see every day. I want them to laugh with me, and enjoy these last few days at our school, since the grade I work with is the 5th grade and they will be moving up to Jr. High next year. It has become easy for me to fake it. But inside there is only hollowness. The bad thing about pushing feelings and emotions down so far like I had, is that sometimes you can't reach those feelings when you need them. I need to be able to cry for Brittany right now. I need to feel the emotions that go with seeing her name carved in cold hard marble. But I don't. I don't feel anything. Not feeling, hurts worse than feeling does. The problem with creating a barrier of armor around my heart is that eventually cracks are made. As you wait for those cracks to expand, those feelings are being built up, and festering. Pretty soon the pressure becomes so great, and they blow that armor to pieces  and you're left with shards of your heart to put back together. I have felt that explosion many times, and I'm not looking forward to it happening again.
     But there is something I have learned. Most any mother will die for her child. I would have in a heartbeat, I begged to be able to. But I wasn't given that chance. So now, I have to LIVE for my other children. I have to carry on and let my kids be kids. They still have a childhood to live up. They have memories to make, and adventures to have. I can't keep that from them. They deserve every opportunity that I can give them. They have had to deal with this awful death also. Only they are all so much younger. I think it is a cruel and unfair task to demand children to take on. But none of us had a choice in the matter, so we need to make the best with what we have. And if that means that my feeling explode, and my heart gets torn to bits so my kids can have a few happy moments from time to time. Or to help them feel safe in a situation that they are unsure of, I am more than happy to volunteer for that, for them.

      I've mentioned a little about Kaitlyn's team. They have been so wonderful to her, not only with this ordeal she is dealing with, but long before that. This has been her favorite year of playing ball. This team has the best coaches in the league, and the parents have been wonderful too. I haven't seen a team so close-knit! One of the players moms has been wanting to do something special for Kaitlyn. A way that the other girls could do something fun for her and show her how much she means to them. So today we surprised her with a sno cone party at a local sno shack. I didn't tell her what was going on, and as we pulled in she said, "Hey mom, there's Aaron! And look, there are some of the girls from the team! Look! There are some more!" I smiled, and just told her that her whole team was here, just for her. They had balloons for her, and a new team sock each girl had signed (they had to cut off the other one, and it broke her heart). She was so amazed, and so happy. The whole night, that was all she could talk about. How cool it was, how much she loves this team, and how surprised she is that they would do this for her, when they have already done so much.
     Knowing how this last week has been for me, and the effect it has had on me, I'm sure Kaitlyn was feeling some of the same emotions. It was the best feeling in the world to watch her be carefree, and genuinely happy. The feeling of gloom that I could see had been sitting over her, had dispersed. It was like feeling the sun come out on a stormy day to hear her laugh, and see her enjoy herself so much. This team, and the parents, and coaches that gave that gift to me and my daughter will never know how much I will forever love them for it. There is no way they will ever know how that little bit of happiness they gave to my girl, will stay in my heart. Or how it has healed my own pain, just a bit.