What NOT to say to someone who has lost a child.
* this is my own personal opinion. There may be some who see things differently than I do. And it also doesn't help much that I'm cranky tonight, I've just heard to many of these this week, so this is my way of venting.*
DON'T say:
"she's in a better place"... I KNOW she's in a better place! But if your child was gone for several months to live at Disney World, even though that place is "better", don't you think you would still miss your child? Wouldn't you long to hear about what they are seeing and all the memories they are making?
"She wouldn't want you to be sad"... I know she wants me happy, but I can't just turn off the grief and pretend it's all ok, when it's not. And in all reality, I think she is understanding of why I am sad. Me being broken hearted isn't letting her down or disappointing her any, it's feeling the feelings that will be there whether I show them or not.
"let me know if there is anything I can do"... that's mostly irritating from those I hardly even know. If I don't even know your first name, let alone a way to get in touch with you, do you really think I'm going to call you very first when I "need something"? And that is such a vague statement too. what do you really mean by that? Are you going to go get me a Coke when I'm stuck at work and craving one? Are you going to make me dinner when I just don't care let alone have the motivation or energy to do it? When all I feel like doing is screaming and crying until I black out, are you going to be there to hold me and calm me? Because quite frankly, I don't ever ask for help, especially at those times. And do you really think I'm going to be able to call and say "hey, you know how you said to call if I need anything? Well, I'm really thirsty. Wanna get me a Coke for me? I'm stuck at work and can't go get one."
"it'll get better"... How do you know? So far, it has only gotten worse. The longer I go on without her here the bigger the hole in my heart gets. How do you know it will get better? There are some that have gone through what I have, and some have said that it does get better, and some say it doesn't. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Not like anything can change the way things have become.
"Families are forever"... I know, I know. They are, they can be. But right now, every minute feels like forever. So until then "forever" feels like forever away. Is it really that selfish of me to wish she could still be here?
"She must have been so amazing for God to have called her home so early"... She WAS amazing!!! SO amazing! But what made her amazing wasn't why she died. Not many care about her LIFE that made her amazing. I have no doubt that she is doing amazing things in heaven right now, but let not forget that she was amazing long before she died.
"you are so strong"... strength has nothing to do with it. It's not strength, it's survival. And barely surviving at that. I have had so many people tell me that they just couldn't handle losing a child, and that they admire me for what I have gone through. I didn't ever want to lose Brittany. I fought so hard for her. The dr's fought for her life just as much. I didn't sacrifice her life to emulate my "strength". A year ago, I would have said the same thing, that I could never handle losing one of my children. But I did. Others have too. I didn't ASK for this. But for my other children, yes, I am trying my best to survive the best I can. I am doing everything, with every ounce of me to give them as "normal" of a life as I can.
"When are you going to start living again".... I'm doing the best I can. I know I'm not the same as I once was. And I never will be! A part of my heart died that day as well. I can't just bandage it up and go on like nothing ever happened. Would you ever ask someone who has had their leg amputated, and still in the hospital "when are you going to run again?" Yes, I hope some day they can run again. But first they have to heal. They have to endure tremendous amounts of physical therapy, and they will need to be fitted for a prosthetic. I'm still trying to heal. It hasn't even been a full year yet!!! I'm going to need some time. And if it's just not fast enough for them, they are welcome to go on without me.
"I know how you feel, my mom/grandma/dog died too"... I have had relatives die too. Ones I have been very close to, and that I miss all the time. But losing a child doesn't even compare. It just doesn't!!! I appreciate that they are trying to empathize with me, but no, you don't know how I feel. Unless you are some of the few that have lost a child as well (and for you, my heart goes out to you!!!) you, thankfully, you DO NOT know how I feel.
"I'm afraid that if I mention her or say her name it will make you sad or cry"... well, it's not like I'm not already thinking about her all the time anyway. You mentioning her is not going to make me all of a sudden remember that she is gone. And yes, maybe I'll cry. But I cry anyway. I would rather cry and have someone talk about her in a loving and caring way than to avoid the subject.
Some might ask, "what do I say then?" and I wish I had a great answer for that. I wish I knew the words that would take all of the pain and hurt away. I would say them over and over to myself all the time if I did. Mostly, know the depth of your relationship. If you aren't close, don't try to be all of a sudden. Relationships are grown, not assumed. And sometimes, no words are needed. A hug can say so much more that words can. Even silent contemplating together can say more. Let the person talk about their child. Try to find memories of them to share. Memories become the very most valuable thing in the world. The more memories, the better. How many countless hours was Brittany out of my sight? How many countless memories are being stored in someone else's mind that I will never know? Sharing those is the most precious gift anyone could ever give me.
***Update- I do understand that anyone who says anything, has good intentions, and I don't want to belittle that. I don't want any of you to feel afraid to talk to me, in fear of saying the wrong thing. I guess I wrote this just to put out there a little understanding that what sounds good on paper, doesn't always sit well in the heart. I cherish and appreciate every outreach of support I have ever gotten. Like I said before, I'm cranky tonight, and I have always felt like this page is a place I can be genuine and raw, say what I feel just as I feel it without feeling the need to sugar-coat it.
* this is my own personal opinion. There may be some who see things differently than I do. And it also doesn't help much that I'm cranky tonight, I've just heard to many of these this week, so this is my way of venting.*
DON'T say:
"she's in a better place"... I KNOW she's in a better place! But if your child was gone for several months to live at Disney World, even though that place is "better", don't you think you would still miss your child? Wouldn't you long to hear about what they are seeing and all the memories they are making?
"She wouldn't want you to be sad"... I know she wants me happy, but I can't just turn off the grief and pretend it's all ok, when it's not. And in all reality, I think she is understanding of why I am sad. Me being broken hearted isn't letting her down or disappointing her any, it's feeling the feelings that will be there whether I show them or not.
"let me know if there is anything I can do"... that's mostly irritating from those I hardly even know. If I don't even know your first name, let alone a way to get in touch with you, do you really think I'm going to call you very first when I "need something"? And that is such a vague statement too. what do you really mean by that? Are you going to go get me a Coke when I'm stuck at work and craving one? Are you going to make me dinner when I just don't care let alone have the motivation or energy to do it? When all I feel like doing is screaming and crying until I black out, are you going to be there to hold me and calm me? Because quite frankly, I don't ever ask for help, especially at those times. And do you really think I'm going to be able to call and say "hey, you know how you said to call if I need anything? Well, I'm really thirsty. Wanna get me a Coke for me? I'm stuck at work and can't go get one."
"it'll get better"... How do you know? So far, it has only gotten worse. The longer I go on without her here the bigger the hole in my heart gets. How do you know it will get better? There are some that have gone through what I have, and some have said that it does get better, and some say it doesn't. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Not like anything can change the way things have become.
"Families are forever"... I know, I know. They are, they can be. But right now, every minute feels like forever. So until then "forever" feels like forever away. Is it really that selfish of me to wish she could still be here?
"She must have been so amazing for God to have called her home so early"... She WAS amazing!!! SO amazing! But what made her amazing wasn't why she died. Not many care about her LIFE that made her amazing. I have no doubt that she is doing amazing things in heaven right now, but let not forget that she was amazing long before she died.
"you are so strong"... strength has nothing to do with it. It's not strength, it's survival. And barely surviving at that. I have had so many people tell me that they just couldn't handle losing a child, and that they admire me for what I have gone through. I didn't ever want to lose Brittany. I fought so hard for her. The dr's fought for her life just as much. I didn't sacrifice her life to emulate my "strength". A year ago, I would have said the same thing, that I could never handle losing one of my children. But I did. Others have too. I didn't ASK for this. But for my other children, yes, I am trying my best to survive the best I can. I am doing everything, with every ounce of me to give them as "normal" of a life as I can.
"When are you going to start living again".... I'm doing the best I can. I know I'm not the same as I once was. And I never will be! A part of my heart died that day as well. I can't just bandage it up and go on like nothing ever happened. Would you ever ask someone who has had their leg amputated, and still in the hospital "when are you going to run again?" Yes, I hope some day they can run again. But first they have to heal. They have to endure tremendous amounts of physical therapy, and they will need to be fitted for a prosthetic. I'm still trying to heal. It hasn't even been a full year yet!!! I'm going to need some time. And if it's just not fast enough for them, they are welcome to go on without me.
"I know how you feel, my mom/grandma/dog died too"... I have had relatives die too. Ones I have been very close to, and that I miss all the time. But losing a child doesn't even compare. It just doesn't!!! I appreciate that they are trying to empathize with me, but no, you don't know how I feel. Unless you are some of the few that have lost a child as well (and for you, my heart goes out to you!!!) you, thankfully, you DO NOT know how I feel.
"I'm afraid that if I mention her or say her name it will make you sad or cry"... well, it's not like I'm not already thinking about her all the time anyway. You mentioning her is not going to make me all of a sudden remember that she is gone. And yes, maybe I'll cry. But I cry anyway. I would rather cry and have someone talk about her in a loving and caring way than to avoid the subject.
Some might ask, "what do I say then?" and I wish I had a great answer for that. I wish I knew the words that would take all of the pain and hurt away. I would say them over and over to myself all the time if I did. Mostly, know the depth of your relationship. If you aren't close, don't try to be all of a sudden. Relationships are grown, not assumed. And sometimes, no words are needed. A hug can say so much more that words can. Even silent contemplating together can say more. Let the person talk about their child. Try to find memories of them to share. Memories become the very most valuable thing in the world. The more memories, the better. How many countless hours was Brittany out of my sight? How many countless memories are being stored in someone else's mind that I will never know? Sharing those is the most precious gift anyone could ever give me.
***Update- I do understand that anyone who says anything, has good intentions, and I don't want to belittle that. I don't want any of you to feel afraid to talk to me, in fear of saying the wrong thing. I guess I wrote this just to put out there a little understanding that what sounds good on paper, doesn't always sit well in the heart. I cherish and appreciate every outreach of support I have ever gotten. Like I said before, I'm cranky tonight, and I have always felt like this page is a place I can be genuine and raw, say what I feel just as I feel it without feeling the need to sugar-coat it.
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