It's November 1st... I've been dreading this day for months. This is the the final count down to were all my pain started. November I supposed to be Brittany's month. I should be birthday shopping for her. I should be planning out how to celebrate her birthday with Thanksgiving just the next day. We should be having her start Drivers Ed soon... Maybe it's good for everyone, on this one instance that she isn't taking Drivers Ed! Brittany always had a way of making this HER month. She had an excitement that no one could duplicate. Instead of being excited, I am terrified. Instead of planning a birthday, I trying to plan a remembrance day. When everyone is out having Thanksgiving with cousins and grandparents, we will be eating alone. It is the only way to allow John time to spend remembering Brittany on her birthday, rather than spending the few hours he has after work, traveling.
I also can't think about her birthday without thinking about her being so sick during her last birthday last year. That sickness would eventually get so extreme we would hospitalize her, where she would seize, and be life flighted to Primary Childrens, the place she would end up taking her last breath.
I feel so dumb for being afraid of a month. A month can't talk. A month is just days with a name attached to them. But I am afraid. I am very afraid. I am afraid of what this month holds for me. I am afraid of the pain that I know this month will give to me. I pray for sleep that no longer comes. I pray for peace that I can't seem to find. I pray for the numbness that I felt in the beginning to return, when I know that it won't. I pray that I can hide my feelings from others, even though they can already see it in my eyes. I pray for so many things that I know I just can't have.
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