Now I get it.

It was on this same day, 11 months ago. Brittany had taken her last breath, but we couldn't bare to walk away from her yet. I had spent the whole night next to her with off and on fits of crying. I would whisper to her all I wanted her to know. I made the realization that when it comes down to it, all that matters, all that I want my kids to know, is that I love them, and am so very proud of them. My mind was a blank as to what else to say, so over and over I told her that I love her. That she will always be a part of my heart, a part of my soul. I told her how happy she had made me, that my life was so much more full because she was a part of it. For hours I whispered to her, almost like I didn't want to disturb her sleep. I wanted her to be at peace, and to feel my love with her heart, not just hear it with her ears.
As family came, and as emotions got the better of me, my body started to go into shock. I can so clearly remember sitting in one of the family waiting rooms. Every seat was taken, and there were still some in Brittany's room, having their own time with her. I sat there, not really looking at anything, and not really thinking either. Somewhere I heard someone ask me when the last time I ate was. It sounded a mile away. I knew they were talking to me, but I didn't feel like I was a part of myself. I couldn't remember the last time I ate. I had skipped breakfast the morning I took Brittany into the Dr, and I never left her side from that point on. But food sounded repulsive. I was encouraged to sleep, but every time I closed my eyes all I could see was my girl hooked up to so many machines. The sounds of each of them echoing in my ears. And the stillness... the quiet... I longed to hear her heart beat again. No, sleep was not a good idea. So John decided I needed some fresh air. Just a few minutes, anything to allow me to connect to life. We were only walking to the parking garage to get something from the car, but on the way there we passed a small remembrance garden. We wondered around very solemnly.
It was early morning at the time. I usually love that time of day. The sun was just starting to warm things up, but we could still see our breath as we breathed in the city air. The hum of traffic, the sounds of birds as they flew by. I can remember it all so clearly. It was then that I noticed for the first time one of the many angels they had in that garden. I had previously thought angles were a bit on the corny side. I thought they were cute, just didn't understand the significance of them. But that first one I saw hit me so hard. It dawned on me that I now had my own angel. Everything in me longed to have something to symbolize how I was feeling, and that angel did that. It was a simple angel, but she was sad. She wasn't sad for her, she wasn't hurting physically. She was sad for those she loved, it was her heart that was hurting. And yet, she was happy too. She was free, and she had so much love. She was what I knew was now how Brittany felt. So now I get it. Now I get why people love angels so much. It's not just because they are cute. It's so much more than that, it's so much deeper than just how they look. It's how they help your heart to feel.