I will forever miss you

     The last few days have been pretty good for me. I had been able to function almost fully. I still thought of Brittany all the time, and I still saw reminders of her everywhere I go. But I had been able to handle it. I would cry a bit from time to time, but in small amounts. The grief wasn't knocking the breath out of me. There have been other days like these that I was almost even in a good mood. On those days I would struggle to stay happy. Often times when I start to feel happy, I also felt guilty for being happy. It feels more natural right now to feel sad, and feeling happy feels out of place. It almost feels like I am betraying my daughter. It's something I have been trying to work on, to be happy and be ok with being happy.
          Having these thought all day has ended my good days streak. I have felt somber continually, and outright sadness often. Getting dressed was hard to do. When I drive, I am almost amazed that I am able to arrive to where I am going because I feel so numb to it. I had a few errands to do in town before I went to work, and on my way home I passed the billboard sign for Les Miserable the Shakespearean Festival had put on. John had taken her to that play over the summer, and she spoke often of how much she loved it. It will forever be a reminder of her. Every time I pass that billboard, I think of her. As luck would have it, at that same time, one of Brittany's favorite songs came on the radio. We used to turn up the radio so loud, and dance like crazy monkeys. It was such a fun time with my girls, to be carefree for just a few minutes. I was reflecting on that as I listened to the song. It feels like it has been forever since I have felt carefree. Losing Brittany has made me feel unsafe myself. I feel like the only way to protect my heart from hurting now, and from being hurt again, is to live "safe" and guarded. Carefree feels too vulnerable now.  I miss those times. I miss the innocence of feeling like I have forever with my kids. That I will be able to watch them grow older, have children of their own, and that they will be the ones to bury me, not the other way around.