Stupid Star Wars

From the very beginning, I knew there would be things, and times that would trigger emotions and memories of Brittany. One of the first, was when we were coming home from the hospital. As we were turning down our street, I could almost literally see Brittany riding her bike, barefoot, weaving in and out of the road in front of our house. And as we got closer to home, I could see her wandering around in the yard, jumping and doing tricks on our trampoline, stroking her cats, or reading under the front yard tree. I still can see her everywhere I turn, but I have come to almost be able to predict when and where they will be, so I'm not set off as easily. But, there are many times I can't predict. The Christmas holiday was difficult this way, because there is no way of knowing what is going to be played over the p.a. systems at the stores. One of Brittany's favorite cd's was an Amy Grant Christmas cd. Every time one of those songs was played, I could hear Brittany singing along in her room. There have been countless triggers on varying degrees, and I'm sure there will be countless triggers to come.
Over time I have begun to get used to being caught off guard, but not always. Last night was one of those times. Although it was brief, I got triggered so quickly, it almost took my breath away. We were all downstairs watching Return of the Jedi as a family. Light sabors, Jabba the Hutt, Ewoks, death stars, Luke, Leia, and Darth Vader. Near the end of the show is a scene where Darth Vader and the General are trying to turn Luke to the dark side. Luke struggles with this, and has times that he tries to tell Vader that it will never happen, that Vader, instead will not destroy him. He knows Vader loves him as the son he is, and won't let him die. In the end, Vader kills the General and is dying himself. The death star they are on is about to explode and Luke is trying to save them both. Vader knows that his time is short and asks Luke to take off his mask, so that he can look on his son with his own eyes. Luke knows this will kill Vader for sure, but follows through with his request. As Vader starts to slip away Luke tries to assure him that he will be just fine, but it is evident that it won't end that way.
It was at that moment that I had my own flashback. I was laying on the hospital bed next to Brittany, and she was in her coma. I had been laying next to her for hours already, waiting for family to come. I was speaking softly to her, telling her how proud of her I am and how much I truly love her. I was stroking her face and feeling her heart beat next to me. I begged her to wake up, to just open her eyes. Just one time, please baby, just open your eyes. I begged and begged her. I knew she wouldn't. I knew she couldn't. But at that moment, it was all I could do. It was all I could say. I knew this was my last chance to see into her eyes just one more time. It was our last chance to reverse what I knew was going to come. I had to try. At the same time I felt awful to ask such a thing of her. She had already been through so much! How could I ask her to do more? I'm sure she had already been afraid, in pain, and not knowing what was going on, and here I was asking the impossible of her. But I had to try. I had to let her know somehow that I wanted her to fight. I had to somehow fight for her myself, however feeble it may have been. In that moment, I felt so helpless, so useless, it was all I could think of.