Breathe

Today is Savanah's Birthday. In a 7-year-old's mind, birthdays are the best day of the whole year. Every other holiday is shared with everyone else, but on your birthday, that day is all for you. The spotlight is on you and everyone is watching. I'm sad to say, I failed at this birthday. Poor girl has had a typical day. Not much fan fair, not much to brag over. Two birthdays since Brittany died, and both of them I have bombed. I wanted to much to make today special. I wanted her to have the best day. She isn't getting a party this year-yet. Her room is a mess. Not just kinda cluttered, but an all out blown up mess. You can't see carpet anywhere! Not under the dresser, not under her bed, not under her desk. You can't even open the door without having to shove aside something while doing so. I've been trying to get her to clean her room for what seems like forever. I think she's old enough that she can clean her own room, and that me doing it for her wouldn't accomplish anything for her. So I told her that until she gets her room clean, she's not getting a party. I may be off in my way of thinking right now. That's very possible, but the poor thing, this is what she gets to live with right now.  So since we didn't have any birthday party hype. With John gone to work, and Brittany just gone, it feels like half the family is missing, so why do anything as a family if we don't have much to work with? I did take her out for lunch and shopping.  There are cupcakes in the oven, and her favorite dinner is ready to be served. In the morning we'll have her favorite breakfast so everyone can be there for it. We ended up getting her a few things she could make, a doll kit and a headband. They'll end up on the floor with everything else, but she sure had fun picking out the outfits, hair, and she even got to choose her eyes for the doll. She is now proudly wearing her headband, and toting her doll everywhere she goes. But at the end of this day I feel like I have let her down.
 I don't know if it's because both birthdays fell on a Saturdays that I have bombed them so badly. So far Saturdays just leave me exhausted and completely worn out before lunch even hits. All the kids are home and wanting something to do, but not finding anything that satisfies their cravings. They tend to be underfoot or just making a mess that I know I should, but won't clean up. I try to keep the contention low, but it seems that by the end of the day, everyone is mad anyway. Or maybe I failed because my mind just can't stay where it should be. It wanders constantly. I couldn't even tell you what I'm thinking at any given moment, it just keeps skipping all over. Flashes of images and feelings that have nothing related to each other. It's really quite unnerving. Even trying to write this, I have to keep rereading what I have written to see if my thoughts are even connected together.
I am often asked how I am doing. How many thousands of times have we been asked those 3 simple words? How are you? It used to be when asked that question, it was just a standard greeting. But now there is deeper meaning to it. I know there are good intentions and concern behind them. But so many times if I think about what they are asking, it's almost more than I can handle. It's so much easier to smile and say "I'm good" just like I have for years and years. And very seldom am I ever pushed harder for the truth. Truth is, I'm not good at all. Truth is, I lost my daughter and I can't stop remembering this cold truth. Truth is, I can't breathe. Truth is, I feel like I am failing at everything I am doing. Truth is, I don't care. Truth is, I want to crawl into a dark hole and stay there, because it feels safer to me. Truth is, I am a different person than I was a few months ago. Truth is, I'm still me. Truth is I don't even know who I am at all. I am trying so hard to find my footing, but how do I find footing when there is no ground?
How you ever gone to the beach to play in the waves? Have you ever wandered slowly further out, swaying with each wave as it crashes in? And then a big wave hits, it's bigger than you were expecting and it pulls you under. All of a sudden you are swirling around in water. You can't breathe, and you don't even know which way is up. You try to stand, you know the ground is close, but you can't find it. All you can feel is the crashing weight of water and being hit with sand and salt. You open your eyes, but the salt burns them and the sand makes it impossible to see anything but murky darkness anyway. You're sure you'll only be in that wave for a few seconds, but it feels like it will last a life time. You're sure you're going to drown before the wave gives and the waters calm.  I have been hit by the biggest wave I have ever imagined. I keep waiting for the the give and the feeling that things are settling but it hasn't come. My biggest problem is that it isn't just me in the wave. I am tethered to my children and husband. Every time I get thrown, I pull them down with me. I can feel them clinging to me, wanting help to find air, but it is only pulling me down further. I want to push them up, so they can find safety. There might be some waves still for them to have to face before they can be on the shore, but the waves wont be like the one we are fighting now. If I can just get them to break the surface I know they'll be fine, they will be able to float to shore, or maybe even walk. So I push and push. But am I pushing in the right direction, or am I only pushing them further into darkness?
This is my life. I'm trying my hardest, but I'm not sure my hardest is enough.