My heart of steel

 For the past few weeks, I feel like I have poured  steel around my heart. It's not that I don't miss Brittany every second, and it's not that I have forgotten that she is no longer here. But it's almost as if my heart can't bare the pain any longer, so it's denying that it's even there. So what does having no heart feel like? Nothing. Just nothing. I can put on a show for everyone, and pretend that I'm happy. But really it's nothing. I can act like I'm excited for whatever is going on, but really.... it's nothing. My heart is cold, my heart is dead. I've been somewhat worried about it, I don't know that it's necessarily a good thing that I'm doing. Not that I could change it even if I wanted to. But I just haven't been able to tap into my feelings or emotions at all. Quite frankly, it's very irritating. It's like going to an ice cream shoppe, and getting the best ice cream imaginable, and not being able to taste it. Even if it tasted awful, you'd still want to be able to taste. I want to feel, I just can't. At least not my own feelings. I can feel everything for everyone else. I see so much heartache, joy, excitement, and all kinds of FEELINGS everywhere I turn. I have dear friends who have lost loved ones. I see people I have known for years finally find happiness they have been longing for. I see disappointment, love, anger, excitement, and I can feel all those things for those people. I can feel it inside me like it's my own experience to live. But when it comes to me, and my feelings, and my own emotions, there is nothing. Just silence.
Well, today I got to feel for just a little bit. For the first time in 3 months, I woke up crying. Don't get me wrong, I cry. I have cried, and I know there are many times to come that I will cry and cry, and not stop. But waking up crying hasn't happened for awhile. I had a dream. I was in my room and Jenna walked by, followed by Brittany. I did a double take, expecting it to be a friend, or someone who just kind of looked like her. But no, it was Brittany. No question about it. I was so excited! I took her elbow to turn her to look at me, and for just a single second, there she was. I could feel her skin, and I could look in her eyes as she started to smile at me. And then she melted away. She crumpled to the floor like the witch in the Wizard of Oz. All that was left was a tangle of hair, and her clothes. My heart, that hasn't felt, was torn out. Once again I watched as my girl slip out of my fingers and sink into the earth. I think I know why the steel is surrounding my heart right now. The anguish I feel right now is overwhelming. Heartbreaking doesn't say enough. It is a physical pain in my heart, not just an analogy, a real physical pain that I can't control, or ease.
So here I am, crying, no sobbing. My fingers wet on the keyboard, and the pain so extreme, I have to fight to breath. In a few minutes, I will somehow be able to calm myself enough to shower. I'll get cleaned up for the day, and make myself go out into the world that I am so afraid of. I will see people I know, and they will ask how I am. I will easily lie to them and say I'm good, as I quickly look for a way to change the subject and leave as fast as I can. I will hug my kids and hope I can feel warmth for them and from them. I will do the mindless chores that need to be done, although it may just be the bare minimum. And I will carry on, like I'm "supposed" to.